I have always wanted to have a Valentine’s Day party and decorate for it in a crazy way. I’ve always found Valentine’s day to be a bit sad because we all are told to hate ourselves day in and day out for whatever reason that particular ad or person’s agenda is at the moment. I wanted to do it in a way that was not related to romance. So I did get to decorate this year and it was seemingly fun. Looks cute and all. I was about to plan a party when things kept happening. The universe tends to warn me about people but I never listen. This time I put off the party because someone was having an early birthday party on V Day weekend and I decided to attend as I can count on one hand the number of people who’ve invited me to do anything in the last ten years and never even mind the last 20. So I went and something happened there that made me realize that I am not sure I’ve ever had actual friends. I’ve hosted people well over a thousand times over the 20+ years with my partner. In every way, shape, or form you can think of and I noticed that not once, even at my own birthday, was anyone ever concerned with the time I am having. I am meant only to serve and listen and give and give. While people unload on me, drink and drink and drink and eat and steal and break things and disrespect me and of course, then go and talk about me behind my back. But this thing that happened made me realize that I had not had any friends though I have had two different therapy groups also point that out, I guess I kept holding out hope. I had some friendly acquaintances at best. I have only served to distract, somewhat entertain(which I am also asked for advice constantly and then told what a bitch I am for being truthful when they asked me not lie to them over and over. I now understand I was supposed to lie to them I guess), be a punching bag, and to be of use and when I am not, no one wants anything to do with me. And on top of that I had tried and tried to talk about this to the people I thought were my friends just to be sent an emoji or rebuffed or one person who came to my house multiples times of week sleeping there and drinking there and whining about all their self-made problems, that “I did not have anything going on that they gave a shit about.” I mean I guess points for being truthful finally. Although, how could they know what I had going on? I could barely get in a word. This went on for years.
Then lockdown happened and not one single person checked on me, not one. I checked on everyone. Even people I was barely friends with, offering support, groceries, anything I thought could help. Sending gifts, cards, to them and the kids I should add, tipping lots, supporting peoples art projects, giving away my stuff, making care packages, giving to gofundmes…. you name it. Sometimes someone would say, “how are you?” after I already checked on them multiple times but not one person reached out on their own. The “how are you” was often met with no response when I started to respond so now I don’t even bother to answer if anyone bothers to pretend to ask. There’s no point. Someone who thought they gave me COVID after repeatedly pressuring me to come to my house, I checked on everyday after they thought they exposed me and not once did they ask if I was okay. Not one time.
I’ve literally had people take up entire dinner times with their own bullshit and then if I say anything they stare off into space and ignore me, then start back in on themselves. I had someone who talked about themselves all day long, I asked about them with follow up questions cuz I assume this how to be a friend to someone, planned the entire day we were out, my partner drove them all around and as I sat quietly listening them continue to ramble on after hours of it, they waited till my bf had left and told me ‘I was kind of a lot.’ Without a trace of irony. I had said maybe 5 sentences in 10 hours.
So I never had the party. I did have people over a couple times this year most recently in May and it was awful and I am now done hosting people for the foreseeable future. And the only invite I have received to anything I got and then a few hours later the person cancelled cuz their bf had a “hair appointment.” I am not joking. There has been no attempt to reschedule. It’s almost funny how awful people are, I just wish more than anything I had cut more of them off sooner than I did. I already agreed to give away some more of my stuff and I will follow through on that. But now I am done. People can find someone else to use and discard and belittle. I could go on like this for a while depressingly enough. And in many cases, for some reason I am always relegated to a care giver role and I am beyond sick of that for sure.
The Learn to Love Myself Lounge is teaching me for the first time that it’s the most important relationship I actually have and it’s a hard lesson to work through. I think of all the times I showed up for people(which btw apparently also makes them hate you, in 2018 I had someone tell me thank you for saving their lives and also no one liked me cuz I helped too much so that was fun and not at all confusing) and it’s brutal to realize that when bad things have happened to me, I don’t have anyone to turn too. I confide in no one, and I trust no one. But this has been true for almost my entire life, I have also realized. I guess I just thought if I tried hard enough it would change. I was wrong.
